A Depressed Kendo Player Possesses a Reckless Aristocrat - Chapter 140



Lee Ji-hye (2)

“From today, Lee Ji-hye is gone.”

“……?”

“They say she committed suicide… tsk, what a weakling.”

My father, delivering the tragic news so calmly.

Because his voice lacked even the slightest hint of emotion, I thought I’d misheard.

It was like he was just having a casual conversation.

Most people wouldn’t speak about someone’s death so indifferently.

But I had to realize it.

My father was someone far removed from what’s considered normal.

Without even blinking, he added to the story.

“They say she jumped from the rooftop of the building across from the kendo hall.”

It wasn’t long before I knew that it wasn’t some sort of sick joke.

My father was not the type to fabricate things.

From noble mtl dot com

But I wanted to deny it.

Desperate to reject the terrible reality that reached my ears, I froze, even forgetting to breathe.

My pathetic, trembling shoulders were utterly wretched.

The words that couldn’t escape my throat, stuck there, turned into a chaotic mess staining my insides.

‘…That can’t be.’

The miserable soliloquy is agonizing.

Just because you’re aware of reality doesn’t mean you’re facing it properly.

The two are separate issues.

There are times when, even if you accept something rationally, you absolutely cannot accept it emotionally.

That’s where I was now.

Although the unvarnished truth had fallen before my eyes, I desperately averted my gaze.

Foolishly, I was hoping.

I was yearning for reality to become a lie.

‘Why.’

A gaping hole pierces my heart.

The emptiness where blood drips, filling it is nothing other than a nauseating sense of loss.

A wave of dry heaves rises in my throat.

I slump to the floor, vomiting out my despair.

Outside the window, a downpour was unleashing its fury.

As if resonating with the weather, my vision, too, blurred and thinned.

In the end, the falling raindrops held a poignant tragedy.

-You said you’d at least stay by my side.

-You liar.

The last remaining voice ached terribly.

If I could have spoken during that call, would things have been different?

If instead of babbling like a fool, I had given a proper explanation, could I have stopped her choice?

It was already an irreversible situation, but the regret wouldn’t cease.

No… I didn’t want it to cease.

I wanted to wallow in self-loathing a little longer.

To hate, to grieve, to resent, and to punish myself for failing to save her.

For the first time, the urge to die swelled within me.

‘Only now…’

Only now did I grasp the depths of my feelings for her.

My first love, come after so much time, withered away before I could even cherish it.

A lingering echo paints a picture of loss.

Why is it that I always live just to lose?

Mom, Chang-ho Hyung, and now, even Ji-hye Noona.

Those I had hoped would remain by my side forever, always vanished, leaving behind the scars of a bygone era.

I knew the reason.

‘……It was because of me.’

Mom was struck by the truck in my place.

Chang-ho Hyung, for holding me during my loneliness, had his life crushed to pieces.

Ji-hye Noona, in the despair of feeling betrayed by me, took her own life.

I was the root of everything.

I existed at the center of all the pain.

If I hadn’t tried to stay by their side, things would have been better.

‘I see.’

I realized it too late.

I was a monster who shouldn’t have been born.

*

Though Jihye-noona left, my pathetic life continued.

The only difference was… I no longer held onto any hope.

I had given up on everything.

My heart was already sick of the pain of loss.

I didn’t want to repeat those awful times, so I stubbornly shut the doors of my heart.

Closed them tightly so they would never open again.

-Become the best, if you are my son.

I simply lived according to my father’s will.

Like a creaking puppet doll dangling from a string, I moved clumsily.

I didn’t want to hold any will of my own.

I was just waiting for a miserable end.

They say life is like a play, but I had no more strength to stand on the stage.

I was exhausted.

“……”

Before I knew it, I turned twenty and became an adult.

While other kids were finishing their boyhood, wondering how they would live their future, I was only thinking about dying.

Sometimes, I would have violent fantasies.

What would it be like to jump in front of a passing bus?

What would it feel like to swallow a handful of sleeping pills and go to sleep, or to stab a kitchen knife into my throat?

Whenever I had these empty questions, my heart felt at ease.

It might sound like crazy talk.

But in those days, it was my only comfort.

At least in the moments when I imagined killing myself, I could forget the hateful reality.

I sought my own nightmares to escape from the nightmare.

It was a vicious paradox.

-I don’t understand.

Was that why?

Those were the words I heard right after losing the World Championship final. Your voice had a strange happiness to it.

It was as if I’d reached the end of a long, long tragedy.

Of course I was in despair, but at the same time, I felt relieved.

I wouldn’t yearn for my father’s love anymore.

Finally, you had abandoned me, so this time it was my turn to abandon myself.

“……Is it here.”

I walked with light steps toward a building.

A commercial building located near the kendo dojo. The very building where my sister Ji-hye had committed suicide.

If I was going to end it, I wanted to end it here.

Maybe it was because of the faint guilt I still carried.

Leaving my shoes carelessly tossed behind, I extended my leg over the railing. It was a trembling first step.

[World Kendo Runner-Up, National Team Athlete. Dies by Suicide from a Building Rooftop…]

[Known to have suffered from depression, Shocking….]

Probably tomorrow morning, articles like these would grace a small section of the newspaper.

I, who fell to my death from a time riddled with lies and delusions, would be erased from the world with people’s meager pity.

“……”

Silently, I released the hand that had been clutching the railing. My body, hanging precariously, fell into the void.

A terrifying sense of speed and a warm sense of buoyancy enveloped me.

The ground, rushing towards me in my swirling vision, came into view.

I closed my eyes quietly.

And I prayed.

Please let it not hurt.

And let this be the end of everything.

‘Still, I guess it’s a little scary…’

-THUD!!

That was my last moment.

All I remembered was a strong impact and the sound of a shockwave ringing in my ears.

*

I think it was a fitting end.

Honestly, if the play had ended with a happy ending, I don’t think I could have forgiven myself.

Having pushed everyone into misfortune, I couldn’t possibly be the only one to find happiness.

I was content with death.

At least, I didn’t leave any lingering regrets in life.

‘Still… sometimes I regret it.’

I murmured quietly.

A single death-bloom clutched in my fingertips.

As I watch the faint smoke curling, I chew over a monologue that won’t reach her.

‘You know, Ji-hye noona.’

Sometimes I imagine.

About the possibilities we never had.

-Naroo-ya!

What if our meeting had been ordinary?

If we had grown up in a peaceful home like normal kids, what would we have looked like?

Would we have been happy?

Would we have been joyful?

Maybe, would we have loved each other?

‘……How pathetic.’

A bitter smile spreads on my lips.

I ruined all those relationships, so what am I lamenting about?

I bite my lip tightly.

The death-bloom I was holding crumbles, along with the clenched fist.

Scattered sparks fly. The pain of my fingertips being scorched is vivid, but I’m just lost in thought.

‘I just… I wanted to say I’m sorry.’

Because the only regret I left in that time of first love is you.

‘That promise I made, that I’d always be by your side… I’m sorry I couldn’t keep it.’

Even now, it’s still clear when I close my eyes.

Our pinkies intertwined, feeling the faint warmth of each other.

Against a darkened background, there’s a young girl with flushed cheeks. When our eyes meet, she smiles shyly.

It was a moment I’d never forgotten.

-Th-This… it’s a promise mark…

A voice lingering in my ear.

A memory of summer, thick with a uniquely fresh scent. I lived in that time, sometimes.

Like today, when I’d find myself drawing you.

-Click, hisss…

Behind the quiet flare of the lighter, I took the smoke into my mouth.

I didn’t want to do anything.

I just wanted to freeze like this.

A futile wish that time would stop, so that I wouldn’t drift further from that longing past.

“……”

Silence stretched on for a while like that.

What broke the deathly quiet wasn’t anything but a sudden knock.

-Knock knock…

-Young Master, may I come in?

It was Rachel’s voice.

I made an effort to gather my scattered thoughts, and gave a low reply.

“Yeah… come in.”

Screech.

With a brief creak of the hinges, the closed door opened.

Looking up slowly, I saw a brown-haired girl cautiously entering.

“Young Master.”

“Rachel.”

“I knew you were still awake.”

Rachel smiled, her eyes crinkling as they met mine.

The girl, in her pajamas, walked towards the bed with steady steps.

“Ever since you returned to the dormitory, you haven’t looked well… I wanted to be by your side, at least until you fell asleep.”

“…I didn’t think I was showing it that much.”

“Hehe, I can tell even if you try to hide it, Young Master!”

The girl’s refreshing aura erased the silence.

I wanted to smile back at her, but I couldn’t move the muscles in my face.

My lips parted, trembling.

“You’re a capable maid indeed.”

I tried my best to answer brightly, but it didn’t come out as I intended.

Had she noticed that my condition wasn’t good?

Normally, this was the kind of moment she’d throw in a joke, but Rachel just stared at me silently.

I’d ended up making her worry, it seemed.

I let out a small sigh and picked up the lighter placed by the bedside.

Just as I was about to light another cigarette…

“Master.”

Warmth enveloped my neck.

Surprised by the sudden heat, I turned my head to see the girl hugging me from behind.

“Let me stay like this for a little while.”

Her hazel eyes shimmered softly.

In the darkened background, they were the only things resembling stars.