A Depressed Kendo Player Possesses a Reckless Aristocrat - Chapter 141



Lee Ji-hye (3) – Part 2 End

“Let me stay like this for a little while.”

Rachel suddenly hugged me from behind.

I was momentarily flustered by the sudden warmth, then I heard her voice whisper in my ear.

“Everything will be alright.”

Her faint breath touched my nape.

I was a little taken aback and my shoulder twitched for a second, but even that reaction seemed to fade away and die.

It was because of the lethargy that was coursing through my entire body.

“……”

I bit down on the silence like a gag.

My heart was dangerously surging.

It was like waves crashing in the dawn wind, and I felt as if I might break at any moment.

I was standing on a swaying sea.

‘……What does she mean by ‘alright’?’

I’m not alright at all.

It doesn’t feel okay at all.

Why do you envelop me with such tender warmth?

I bite down softly on my lip.

Was it because I was wandering too long in unpleasant memories?

Today, your blind devotion feels especially painful.

From noble mtl dot com

Cracks are forming little by little inside me. I parted my lips, buried as if in the residue of melancholy.

“I’m fine.”

A word I carelessly spat out.

Now, a sentence stuck to my tongue like a habit.

“I’m just a little tired. I’ll be okay after a nap.”

Is this a lie?

Or is it the truth?

I can’t even tell anymore.

The feeling that I’m losing myself. Scary, yet in a way, I thought it was fortunate.

I didn’t want to show my weakness to the people around me.

If they were to find out about this hideous wound, I felt like they would despise me and leave.

-Believe in your tomorrow.

I vowed to overcome, but I am still in a nightmare.

That’s the nature of pain in the first place.

It’s not something you can shake off just by having courage.

The more I struggle, the greater the sense of loss becomes, and my pathetic will gets gnawed away by oblivion.

Scars might fade, but they don’t disappear.

That’s what the traces left on me were like.

No matter how the flesh healed, there was a void that couldn’t be filled.

-Hey, Naru. I promise you.

-I won’t leave your side no matter what.

Nothing has changed at all.

My nightmare still lived in that time.

In that one second when our eyes first met.

In that one minute when we exchanged light greetings.

A single hour spent training together.

A single day, talking softly, until dawn broke.

A single month, drawn to one another.

The half-year it took to fall in love with someone.

-T-This is… a token of our promise…

I was a nineteen-year-old boy, forever.

The kendo hall, lights out. Just like back then, sharing our fresh feelings in that dark backdrop.

“I’m okay…”

My vision wavers, like I’m drunk.

“I really am… believe me.”

Maybe the diagnosis was addiction.

I knew it was killing me, but I just couldn’t stop.

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m more than fine.”

“Young Master…”

“I’m not sick. I’m not struggling, not in pain.”

“Young Master.”

“I’m not sad, not scared, not longing. So you don’t have to worry…”

“Young Master, please stop.”

It was Rachel’s index finger that stopped the rambling, incoherent monologue.

Her slender finger touched my lips.

A brief silence followed.

If I kept still for a moment, my turbulent inner world would slowly settle.

My heart calming little by little.

The phantom noises that had been piercing my eardrums, they eventually scattered, following the silence.

-Tick-tock…

When the static faded, only the sound of the clock hands remained.

Only after I had fully regained my composure within the flow of time did Rachel remove her hand.

The girl said,

“I’m sorry, Young Master. I didn’t think you would calm down otherwise.”

“……Yeah.”

A head nods, heavy with effort.

A faint tremor, in that motion, hints at an unyielding sorrow.

To reveal this wretchedness, a fate worse than death, but maintaining composure proved a difficult task.

I shuddered, my shoulders barely shifting.

A touch of fear washed over me.

A sensation of not being myself, settling deep within.

If I succumbed to this depression, I might never find myself again.

“Haa…”

A sigh, unexpected, bursts from me.

Pathetic, what was I doing?

A wave of self-loathing crashes in, belatedly. I scrubbed at my face, dry, and muttered,

‘Foolish.’

To still ache for the matters of a past life, it was almost laughable.

A bitter smile lingers on my lips.

Behind me, the warmth of the girl who still held me close radiates through.

I slumped, leaning on Rachel. And then, my lips moved softly,

“You know.”

“Yes, Master.”

“Just how much more time must pass… for me to forget?

If it won’t heal, I would rather forget.

Maybe it was a thought too repulsive.

But that’s what I thought.

I wanted to live.

Even if it meant forgetting them all, I wanted to be happy…

“Actually, that was a lie.”

Alas, the heart was truthful.

My eyes, burning hot, now dripped tears, steadily falling.

I was crying.

“I don’t want to forget. I want to remember everything, every single detail.”

“……”

“Even after years, I want to live in this wretched shadow… I hope this sweet hell doesn’t crumble.”

The ripple, spreading calmly, soon surges through my entire heart.

“You know, I’m not okay at all.”

It’s been so long.

To finally spill the truth I’d always hidden behind the words, ‘I’m fine.’

-I’m fine.

People say it.

They say, in hard times, to fall. To lie down and rest a little.

But those words don’t apply to me.

Because I’ve always had things I had to protect clinging to my side, I’m in a position where I’m not allowed to fall.

A life where I wanted to fall, but couldn’t.

That’s what life was to me.

An endless, lashing whip.

“I’m so sorry to everyone… I miss those who left, so much…”

I lived fiercely, but that didn’t mean I protected everything.

Guilt writhes.

Changho hyung.

Jihye nuna.

Mother.

My mentor.

They were all people who died because of me.

In a word, they were people I might as well have killed.

“If I’d done better, things would have been different… It’s all my fault.”

Some might scoff, calling it a meaningless hypothetical, but it was important to me.

Because it gave me a reason to hate myself.

Above all, it was myself I wanted to loathe.

That’s why I searched madly. The justification for why I deserved to be hated.

“Answer me, Rachel.”

I was the root of misfortune.

A devouring ghoul, feeding on the lives of loved ones, and a sword that had ultimately broken.

“Should I even be alive like this.”

“Young master…”

“Should I dare to enjoy this undeserved happiness.”

The recent peaceful days.

They were the most blissful moments, yet, fear gnawed at me.

It felt as if I were indulging in something I didn’t deserve.

So, I wanted to ask.

Am I truly alright?

Clad in tattered rags, should I really go on living into the future?

I wanted to hear your answer.

“Young master.”

A voice gently tickling my ear.

Turning my head, I see brown eyes.

A gaze devoid of even a hint of deceit, simply looking at me with tender affection.

The girl softly parted her lips.

“Of course.”

She answers as if it were obvious.

“You, young master, are more than worthy.”

The girl whispered so and pulled me into a tighter embrace.

Her warm body heat stains my back.

“Please, don’t worry.”

Perhaps it was magic.

My shoulders, trembling like aspen leaves, slowly calmed.

My ragged breath found its rhythm.

It was just a simple hug, yet I was taking it as something extraordinary.

“I told you, didn’t I? That I will always be by your side.”

The most affectionate comfort.

“If it’s too hard, you can break down. You can cry. You can hate everything and scream.”

Because I will always be right here next to you.

Please, don’t suffer alone.

Even if you hold any kind of wound within you, Master, I’m here.

I may not be able to make you happy.

But I’ll follow the path you walk, whether it’s happiness or misfortune, I don’t care.

If there comes a moment when you can’t endure any longer, it’s okay to let go of everything and crumble.

“I’ll be by your side as you fall apart.”

I’ll fall apart with you then.

If it means you won’t be lonely, even for a little while, I’m willing to fall into the abyss.

“If we’re together, it won’t be scary.”

You saved my life, Master, so I want to share even a faint light with you.

I will live with your unhappiness.

So please, know that you are not alone.

“Because… I only live for you, Master.”

After those few words, Rachel lowered her head.

She buried her face in my shoulder, then lightly pressed her lips to my neck.

– *Smack*…

A faint sound echoes.

The soft sensation comes through clearly.

It was strange. Just a moment ago, my heart had been cold, but now it seemed to start beating again.

I staggered for a moment.

“You seem tired. It would be best if you went to bed.”

Rachel quietly supports me.

The girl, still embracing me, collapses onto the bed beside us.

We fall face-down onto the blankets together.

Behind the sensation of being enveloped softly, a gentle voice whispers in my ear.

“Sleep peacefully.”

“Rachel…”

“No one blames you, Master. They don’t hate you, and they don’t despise you.”

Rachel gently moved her arm.

And then, she covered my eyes with her palm. As if telling me not to hurt anymore by looking at the past.

“……”

I was quietly surrendering to her touch.

As her warmness grazed against me, it felt like the frozen wounds were slowly melting away, an addicting sensation.

It was a bit ridiculous.

Just a moment ago, I was agonizing over thoughts of Ji-hye noona… and now, I was recovering, finding solace in Rachel’s comfort.

I was such a selfish human being.

‘…Still, I can’t push her away.’

Within my darkened vision, I slowly drifted out of consciousness.

I guess I just wanted to rest.

While tightly embracing this warmth.

While inhaling the peach scent that brushed my nose.

Just a little.

Just a tiny bit.

It was a night that was terribly painful.

And, a person who I dearly loved.