Having Reincarnated a Million Times I Won’t Let My Guard Down Even in a Peaceful World - Having Reincarnated a Million Times I Won’t Let My Guard Down Even in a Peaceful World chapter 80

80: Transient

“Was this possibly the world where I first existed? There, a strange sense of manners and morals, and then ‘people who wanted to lecture others about anything’ were overflowing.

I don’t really welcome most reincarnations, but only at the very beginning, there was a feeling of ‘I’m glad I was reincarnated’. The world I spent my first time in was safe, but there was always a strange sense of confinement, and I was full of a desire to escape from there.

Well… if I had known that I would walk through life a million times, that feeling would have disappeared.

… Ah, I want to die quickly.

Fulfilling the condition of living out a natural life, I want to die quickly, without leaving any regrets.

That’s the only thing I’ve been wishing for. I still wish for it. I don’t want another ‘next life’, and having repeated life multiple times can only bring about dark feelings.

But, now, in this moment…

“I might have been glad to be born into this world.”

From the bottom of my heart, I was able to mutter those words.

“However, it seems I’ll be able to see my grandchild’s face earlier than expected.”

The way birthdays are celebrated varies depending on the region and culture, and as for the area where I live, it is customary to celebrate birthdays with family.

For those with a lover, it is also traditional to invite them to the house and have a face-to-face meeting with the parents. On that day, I returned to my parents’ house with Milim and held my birthday party.

Having lived through a million reincarnations, I had grown tired of birthdays, but it is still something to be happy about to have one’s birth celebrated.

After all, it means “being alive”.

On my twentieth birthday, I thought, “Ah, I’ve lived for twenty years,” and even on my twenty-first and twenty-second, I had a real sense that I was steadily heading towards the “goal” year by year, so being celebrated in the form of a “birthday party” was quite moving.

And on this day when I turned twenty-three, the topic naturally turned to “me and Milim’s future home” as we were on the verge of getting married—although there was still more than a year to go.

A grandchild.

To be honest, I was caught off guard.

I hadn’t really been conscious of having children at all.

After all, I was just trying to live my own life. I had savings. I had a stable job. I had skills. I had studied. However, I didn’t underestimate life to the extent of saying, “So I have room to spare.”

Something will definitely happen.

The more smoothly the situation progresses, the stronger my sense of caution becomes. The fact that this time around, the “enemy” hasn’t taken any overt actions also stimulates my sense of caution.

For someone like me, whose life is unstable, increasing the number of dependents is quite an ambitious move, and the possibility of embarking on such a reckless gamble had been unconsciously rejected.

However, there is also public perception.

The idea that “once you get married, you have to have children” is an extremely strong implicit rule.

Culture changes, new technologies are born one after another, social systems change, and even the currency becomes new, but this rule is handed down continuously.

Perhaps it is a rule imposed on us because we are living beings.

Most living things act to ensure their own survival.

It is not only to prolong the life of the individual, but also to act in such a way that the species as a whole does not cease to exist.”

The more I think about it, the more it becomes obvious that after “marriage,” the next thing desired is “children.” It was a careless mistake on my part not to consider this possibility.

In the first place, the starting point of my idea of “let’s get married” is that I want to be taken care of, so children could be enemies who compete for the same wallet. If I can avoid having them, of course, it would be easier to live without them.

That’s why I should have thought about “excuses for not having children” for my parents and society from an early stage… Oh well, I was careless. I broke out in a cold sweat inwardly.

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Maybe I’ve been thinking too logically about things.

Marriage and children are not logically connected.

But everyone in society desires it.

…Well, just recognizing the “gap” that is difficult to put into words around here is good enough. You can’t live a long life without thinking positively.

For now, let’s “postpone” it.

I give my parents a vague smile and say.

Well, it’s still too early to talk about that kind of thing. Neither Milim nor I have registered our marriage yet.

My parents laughed and said, “That’s true.” Alright, it went well. Let’s keep postponing things little by little until my parents give up and society stops saying anything.

If I can keep postponing it until the day I live to a ripe old age, then I win. There is no need to rush for an answer.

But at that moment, Milim, who was sitting next to me, made this remark.

“Rex, you don’t really like children, do you?”

Huh?

Well… if I have to say whether I like them or not… well, I guess I do…

To be honest, I actually liked the existence of “children.”

Maybe it’s just because of my position as a middle school teacher that I have optimized myself that way, but I don’t dislike the energy and noise of children. And even if I see children who are labeled as “cheeky” by society for not listening, I find them interesting and amusing.

Even children around middle school age have their own “childish thoughts” in any action they take.

Their thoughts are fascinating, and I enjoy unraveling them.

Even if they are not that big, I still have a favorable impression of “children.”

Or rather, since I’ve been reincarnating a million times, I have always lived a life surrounded by “younger children” from the moment I was born.

If I had any aversion to children, I wouldn’t have been able to endure it at all.

However, since I haven’t given up on my future goal of “doing only housework and living on Milim’s earnings,” it is also true that I don’t want to increase the number of adversaries who compete for “Milim’s earnings.” It’s a hidden truth that I can’t deny.

“I know what Rex is thinking.”

Milim said with a faint smile.

“But I can’t work forever. Because I’ll get older.”

Wow, she only said, “Well, if I have to say whether I like children or not, well, I guess I do,” but why does it sound like she heard my monologue and can respond in a conversation…

Well, I’ve told Milim many times in the past that my future dream is to be a “parasite,” and I’ve even asked her for advice on women’s psychology for that purpose.

We have a history between us, and our conversations are based on a common high context.

“Children… will work longer than me.”

I see, so the policy is to ‘be supported by children’.

I understand that… but that’s a gamble. Children are not obligated to perfectly fulfill their parents’ wishes, and I couldn’t bring myself to treat children as slaves or future external periodic income. It’s because I love children.

Of course, if the relationship is good, it would be possible to have meals together and receive various support in the future.

…However, that is too much of a gamble. Because no matter how much I think about it, I cannot predict what will happen to the child’s personality and our relationship.

I planned to save a substantial amount until a certain age and spend that savings as I die.

However, if I were to invest in ‘children’, the savings would inevitably decrease… According to the data I researched in advance, if I want to send a child to university, it would easily cost about ten years’ worth of my annual income.

Of course, if I lower the standard of education and living, I could save more… but it is undeniable that a significant amount would still be spent on raising children.

So I cannot take that gamble…

I told Milim only this, pouring out all my thoughts: ‘It’s too much of a gamble.’

“But, you can be happy.”

Happy.

When I was told that, I had no words to refute.

After all, I don’t know happiness well. I have been shown a ‘phantom of happiness’ countless times in a million reincarnations. But it was ephemeral, bursting and disappearing when grasped, leaving only a sense of loss.

I am prepared for this life to be the same.

I am prepared, but—

Why is it?

I cannot give up the possibility of ‘obtaining true happiness in this life’.

Perhaps, even Milim, who speaks the word ‘happiness’, has no basis.

Just like me.

Just like me—somehow, we feel the possibility of being happy.

Maybe, that’s all I could say.

“Yes,” Milim nodded.

This is how we began to be conscious of our ‘children’.

With Milim and me nodding at each other, our parents looked at us with a look that seemed to say, ‘Why do these two understand each other so well with just a few words’…