I Was Sick of Loving You - I Was Sick of Loving You chapter 42

42 – (Side story) Criminal Complaint

I realized in front of my father’s body that my life had gone wrong.

Where did I go wrong…

When your feelings gradually dry up, or from when you were born?

I don’t know. Even if you find out, your father won’t come back. It’s just a sinner’s belated complaint. so it’s more sinful

Perhaps seeing our hearts like this, my father left a will not to feel sorry for himself and not to feel sorry for himself.

How did you tell me not to feel sorry for you, why did you tell me not to feel sorry for you? Just thinking about my father makes me feel so sick… How is that?

Sorry. I don’t think I can listen to my father’s will.

The unfilial man who has committed an irreversible sin confesses his sins in front of his father’s body. And I will gladly accept this pain, the price of that sin.

A sinner who forgets his father’s love and does not understand his father’s love thinks so and sins in front of his father’s body.

That sin drenches the father’s body with water. In doing so, it denies reality.

Father… Father, you can’t lie down here. The room is full, so you have to get up and go somewhere else. There is a mother and daughter who have regained their emotions, as they so longed for, please wake up.

My father did not hear those fleeting complaints. In case you hadn’t heard, I opened my mouth again. Even so, my father did not wake up.

That fact tore apart the heart that had denied reality, and pushed the reality forward. Even so, I didn’t want to see the reality, I wanted to close my eyes. When I close my eyes, I remember my father clearly.

The kind father who always smiled brightly, the father who sometimes scolded us severely but cried alone, and the father who always visited us despite busy days came to mind so vividly that it hurts to the point of being cold.

Vivid memories are shattered, and fragments pierce my heart. The fragment was so deeply embedded that it could not be pulled out. So, I just left it. And the blood flowing from his wounded heart flowed down his eyes.

Even though the spilled blood soaked the floor, his heart did not calm down. I just endured my father’s will… My heart was sick and rotten.

“Dad… I was wrong, so please stand up.”

As if this was not my own feeling, the younger brother cried out to his father until the floor was wet.

Seeing my younger brother crying out for my father just like me, our mismatch… no, our sin became clearer. It was very clear that we were unfilial children and sinners who had inflicted irreparable wounds on our father.

A clearer sin looms before your eyes. And a laugh is heard from somewhere. The sound of laughter I didn’t want to hear didn’t go away even if I covered my ears. Rather, the sound of laughter became clearer.

Is it the devil’s sneer, or the angel’s mockery of sinners… I don’t know.

Amid the incomprehensible laughter, I grabbed the shoulder of my younger brother who was sitting down and sobbing and raised him up.

“The time… is over.”

My brother didn’t answer, he just sobbed. The time given to us according to the etiquette was over, so I swallowed the blood that was about to flow and dragged my brother outside.

Outside, I saw my mother’s emaciated figure. Seeing that, he left without saying anything. Not long after my mother entered, the sound of sobs spread.

At the sobbing, the younger brother’s tear ducts, which had barely calmed down, burst again. The sobs that flowed from both sides made me want to give up and sit down and cry.

But, my father… he told me not to be sad… so I have to endure it.

I tried to hold it in by holding my hands tightly and biting my lips, but my heart wouldn’t follow my thoughts. My eyes were blurred, and sadness flowed out. Even so, I wanted to keep my father’s will, so I bit my teeth and held my breath.

The silent tears dried up, and it was time to let my father go. He walked with heavy steps toward his sobbing mother, and saw her broken figure, who had been so cold and cold.

My throat trembled at the sight and I couldn’t open my mouth easily. After standing there for a while, I was able to open my mouth.

“Mother… it’s about time.”

My mother quietly wiped away her tears and gently hugged my father. My father, who had grown cold, and we moved on in silence.

The steps led to the garden that my father loved… and it snowed in the garden. In the snowy garden, I put my father in the coffin to send him away.

With the sound of the priest’s prayer, yellow flames rose and engulfed the coffin. With the sound of crackling, crackling, my heart burned as well.

When my heart was half burning, my mother suddenly stepped forward. It looked so pathetic and dangerous, so I grabbed it.

“Let go.”

At that firm word, my throat choked.

“Mother…”

“Let go! Isn’t he burning, you have to save him!”

I couldn’t say anything to my mother’s broken appearance, who was colder than anyone else. I just couldn’t let go of the hand I was holding and was silent.

I couldn’t do anything, but my brother came to my mother and hugged me and supported my sorrow. Seeing that, I couldn’t control myself, so I hugged my mother and younger brother and let go of my sadness.

Even though I continued to let go of the sadness, the sadness continued to grow instead of diminishing. In response to our growing sadness, those gathered also vomited out their sadness. The garden was full of sorrow, and the traces of the departed father were completely burned.

Seeing that, I bit my lip because I felt like tears would come out again. Innocent lips vomited blood. Mother embraced the last vestiges of her father and followed her mother to carry out her father’s will.

In a flower field where not even a trace of our father was left, we opened the jar to send him away. My hands trembled at the sight of my father turned into a handful of ashes.

As if she felt the same emotion, her mother’s hands trembled. Feeling sorry for her trembling hand, she reached out and grabbed it. On top of my hand, my brother was covered and our trembling gradually disappeared.

In his trembling hands, he held the last handful of his father. I didn’t want to let go of that handful. I didn’t want to let go of that warmth… But, because it was my father’s will, I let go. The wind blew, and the traces of my father rode away from us.

I looked at the place where my father had left. The snow had stopped falling from the sky, and the day was drawing to a close. It’s time to go back.

The fact that I have to go back to my daily life without my father entangles me, and I can’t see the way forward because the emptiness and despondency cover my eyes. In that sense, he sought an answer from his father, who had already left.

“Father, what should I do…”

Empty words are scattered in the air, and no answer is heard. I waited for a while for an answer that I couldn’t hear, then moved on.

Even though she watched her father leave until the end of the day, her lingering steps were heavy as she left, as if she was not satisfied. With those heavy steps and stuffy mind, when I came to my senses, I was following my father’s traces.

In the garden my father loved, I recalled memories. My father, who smiled and told me the names and language of flowers. My father who played with us when we were little and smiled brightly. My father comforted us when we fell and cried while playing…

With that memory in mind, I moved on to the next place.

It reminds me of my father’s stern father who taught me swordsmanship at the training ground where my father almost lived and how he ran right to us when we were hurt.

I embraced them and moved on.

Father’s room in the main building. In a room where family portraits take up half of one wall, books catch my eye. Old, dirty books. The books we read every time we fell asleep. I opened the books one by one. And the notes written in the books made me cry.

「Evan’s favorite book. Ellie’s favorite book. A book to which Evan reacted with disdain. The book that made Ellie burst into tears because she was scared…”

I ran away because I couldn’t breathe in my father’s memo, which wrote down our reactions one by one.

Even though he saw his father’s heart and ran away, his steps were still following his father’s traces. The steps that ran away stopped in the lonely room of the annex, the place where my father died.

There must have been passengers, and the floor was a mess with tears. In the messy room, an ugly pendant fell off.

When I picked up the pendant, my father’s words flashed past in my hazy memory.

“It’s a pendant that grants wishes. Would you like to try it?”

“I’m not interested in that. Don’t do anything stupid.”

After my father’s words, the cold voice I heard filled me with a sense of nausea. And beyond the feeling of nausea, an unbearable sense of guilt came over me.

In that guilt, he vomited out the pain.

“brother…”

Along with his brother’s voice, he felt warmth on his shoulder.

“Elijah…”

We just called each other, didn’t say anything, and were silent. In the heavy silence, he opened his mouth.

“Remember this pendant?”

“yes…”

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Looking at the calming voice and moist eyes, it seems that he must have had the same reaction as mine, so his mouth is bitter.

“… Let’s make a wish together.”

It was childish and fleeting, but I just wanted to.

“yes.”

The younger brother closed his eyes, wiping away the overflowing tears. I closed my eyes and made a wish.

‘If there is a next life, please make my father happy.’

It was my happiness, and I wished for the happiness of my father, who was the biggest part of my life.

“Brother, what did you wish for?”

“I wished my father happiness.”

“I wished to be born as a father’s daughter in my next life.”

“I must make another wish.”

“me too.”

We closed our eyes again and made a wish even though we knew it was fleeting. I just hope that the empty complaints of sinners will reach…