I Was Sick of Loving You - I Was Sick of Loving You chapter 85

85 – his life

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Loved a man

He was a man I dared not love.

I loved it nonetheless.

He didn’t even show me a handful of smiles, but I loved him.

I loved him and tried to become a person who suits him.

I lived wearing clothes and masks that were too much for me.

At the same time, I lived with my heart on a daily basis so that the clothes and masks would not be exposed.

I was happy though.

I was happy because the fact that I was living as the wife of a loved one was too undeserved of luck.

Thinking so, I ignored my burning heart.

As I lived while ignoring my burning heart, the burdensome clothes and masks were no longer burdensome.

I was happy about that fact.

That’s how I got one step closer to a person who would suit him, but he didn’t smile.

That’s not to say I’m complaining either.

It was painful to remind her that it was a relationship that led to a thorough contract marriage.

Still, I didn’t break my heart.

I thought that one day I would be able to reach him.

that’s how it pissed me off

I held my heart like that and poured my all into it, but I couldn’t reach him.

I couldn’t even see the fragments of his emotions.

It was so sad.

It pained me that I couldn’t even mean anything to him.

When I was in so much pain, I heard a strange voice.

[If you want to give up, stab the back of your hand with a knife. Then it will be easier.]

I heard a voice that couldn’t even identify the gender, and I looked around, but no one was there.

I ignored it, thinking it was an hallucination.

But it wasn’t an hallucination.

Every day, the same words resonated in my head, and sometimes the same words were engraved on windows and walls.

Strangely, no one but me could see the writing.

The situation bothered me, but I ignored it because I couldn’t find a way to do it.

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Living like that brought even greater misfortune.

The happiness and support of my life, the children, began to change.

The bright smiles of the children who made me happy every day began to disappear.

At first, I thought the time had come for the children.

As we grow up, there comes a time when we don’t like everything and want to distance ourselves from our parents. Just like I did.

So it hurts, but I didn’t care too much.

I thought it was time to pass.

It was such a foolish idea.

As time passed, not only the smiles of the children, but all expressions began to disappear.

That figure overlapped with her husband, who was expressionless every day.

My heart thumped at it. And then he denied it.

Denying and denying again, he searched the family library amid anxiety.

As the days went by, I found the journals of successive family heads.

In the journal, it was written about the curse related to the family.

After reading the contents, I went on a journey to find a clue to solve the curse.

The journey was painful.

The pain that the new environment brings, hostile alien races, barbarians, and people from other kingdoms.

they are fine

The pain and hostility of the body is fine because I have become accustomed to it by wandering around many battlefields.

What made it difficult for me was the longing for him and the children he loved.

Funny story.

Every time I see him and the children who have lost their emotions, I feel distressed… but I miss them because I can’t see them.

It’s such a funny story, but it’s a very difficult story for me.

It is more difficult than the pain of the body and the intent to kill.

endured nonetheless. persevered

Thinking of the children who will make you smile again,

I endured it, thinking of the future where my heart would reach him after the curse was lifted.

The time of unrequited patience lengthened, and the voice I heard every day began to sound sweeter and sweeter.

It was so sweet that sometimes I fantasized about poking my hand.

But it didn’t work.

I thought I would be rewarded at the end of this patience, so I didn’t.

I spent time with patience, thinking stupid thoughts again.

After that time passed, when I stopped by the family for a while, he came to me.

He came and said that all my efforts were futile, and imprisoned me in an outbuilding.

At first, he denied reality.

I denied it again and again, but he and the children haven’t come to see me for years.

In the end, I couldn’t deny that reality anymore.

I accepted the reality and accepted the thoughts I had in my heart.

I accepted the fact that I meant nothing to him and that my heart was out of his reach.

Accepting that fact is so painful.

Unreachable love is so painful.

My heart was broken by the pain.

When my heart broke down like that, the voice I heard every day sounded unbearably sweet.

I want to forget this pain.

I want to forget the unreachable love.

I want to forget my life where nothing has been achieved.

So I pulled out my dagger.

As he pulled out his dagger and tried to slash the back of his hand, tears suddenly flowed out.

The tears that flowed down wet the back of my hand.

The tears that fell one or two drops gradually grew stronger.

Tears intensified, and the strength of his grip was lost.

Power drained, the dagger escaped his grasp and stuck to the floor.

The blade of the dagger reflected my figure.

I see myself shedding tears, full of scars.

The sight of it breaks my heart.

My swaying heart and the scars of my life reminded me of old memories and my heart.

The day I first met him and fell in love.

I shared swords with him, and fell in love with the slight smile that passed by in an instant.

Falling in love with him, I wanted to stand by his side.

I wanted to live with him.

I just hoped for that.

The wish came true, but I was not satisfied.

I wanted to see his smile. longed for

That heart grew and became today.

I hoped to reach him who could not be reached because of the curse.

I wanted him to laugh because he couldn’t laugh because of the curse.

And then I was disappointed with myself.

I was resentful alone.

I was sad alone.

It’s stupid.

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Love alone, resent alone, be disappointed alone, grieve alone.

It’s stupid no matter who sees it.

With such stupid thoughts, I denied my heart and my life.

It’s stupid.

I’m so stupid that tears flow.

The tears that had barely stopped started flowing again, and I let my stupid thoughts flow in tears.

I let go of those stupid thoughts and pierced the sword deeply into the ground.

It was deeply embedded so that my life could never be denied again.

And I sincerely wished him and the children happiness.

I hope that one day their curse will be lifted.

And then I sorted out my life.

I prepared so that he and the children would not feel sorry for me or be sad when the curse was lifted someday.

Preparing like that, I wrote my heart in the letter.

After spending so much time, I no longer had the strength to even pick up a pen.

Only then did I realize that the time for my life to end had come.

As the final moment approached, tears eventually flowed.

Along with those tears, I regretted my life a little, very little.

It hurt so much to love him.

It hurt enough to die.

If I could go back in time, it was so painful that I would not live that long.

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Life hurts like that, but I don’t want him to be unhappy.

Rather, I want him to be happy.

I hope to finish the rest of my life happy with my children.

that’s my little wish

Hoping that the wish would come true, he squeezed his strength and chanted it.

“May the curse be lifted, and happiness come to Alric, Evan, and Ellie.”

The words of hope were scattered, and even the last handful of strength was drained.

Power drained, eyes closed.

A thick, dark darkness came.

my life is over

When I thought so, the darkness disappeared.

The darkness disappeared, and I saw the altar and his sleeping figure.

I saw that scene, and the forgotten memories came back.

As the memory returned, sadness came over me.

I thought that the things and emotions I had experienced so far were his, and a deep sadness came over me.

I feel the weight of my sins so vividly that it hurts.

With that sadness and pain intertwined, I approached him.

Anguish seeped clearly on his sleeping face.

That look breaks the heart.

In the pain, I reached out my hand to his cheek.

Warmth is transmitted to the hand.

The weight of pain is lightened.

The pain, which had eased, became heavy again on his distressed expression.

As I was feeling those feelings, I felt a vibration on the ground.

The ground trembled, and a stone statue holding a stone slab approached me.

A white light shimmered in the statue’s eyes, and a woman’s voice was heard.

[Congratulations on overcoming the ordeal. Would you like to go to the place where the blessing of the beginning is?]

“Can you take him with me instead of me?”

[Available. However, this person’s ordeal is not over, so it is impossible now.]

“Then let the ordeal come to an end.”

[Impossible. No one can end the ordeal without their own will.]

“Then can I enter his ordeal for a little while?”

The light shimmering in the statue’s eyes turned to me.

A light came out and hovered over him for a while, then went back.

[It is possible for two people. However, if you stay for a long time, the ordeal will be distorted and you may be trapped forever.]

“I will keep that in mind. So send me now into his ordeal.”

[All right.]

After those words, the light began to surround me.

In order to convey my heart to him, to end his suffering, I headed into his ordeal.