I’d Rather Live as a Villain - I’d Rather Live as a Villain chapter 61

61 Time to Look Inside

Two weeks ago, at our first visit, the doctor had always shown us a smiling face.

“……”

But now, as the ultrasound began, the doctor’s expression grew increasingly stern.

The doctor’s face became more and more serious.

It can’t be, it won’t be…

Such a small life, only 6 weeks old.

Even with an ultrasound, it wouldn’t be easy to confirm anything; perhaps the doctor was just concentrating on the test…

Despite my hopes, the doctor’s words flowed out like a lie.

“I can’t seem to hear the baby’s heartbeat…”

“Is it sleeping?”

“The amniotic sac is clearly formed, but the rest is hmm…”

It felt like a lie.

Like a lie, all strength seemed to drain from my body, seeping out through the soles of my feet.

Thump! My breath caught in the pit of my stomach, but even then, I couldn’t help but be more concerned about my wife’s condition.

With her mouth half-open, my wife spoke with an air of disbelief.

“What exactly does it mean when you say you can’t hear the heartbeat?”

“This is just my personal opinion, but it doesn’t seem to be related to the family history you’ve been worried about.”

“So, what is it?”

At a glance, the doctor seemed to be struggling too.

He had been connected to my wife for a long time, they said, for a whopping six years.

It might have been just an annual gynecological exam, but during that time, this doctor had been a comrade-in-arms with my wife, sharing a common goal.

He knew my wife’s physical condition better than I did, and he must have been waiting for her pregnancy news more eagerly than I.

I could guess the embarrassment he must be feeling at this moment, and yet, despite that, he had to inform us of the results of the ultrasound. I felt helpless, knowing what it must take for him to do so.

“Why? I still had morning sickness just this morning,” my wife said.

“You can’t hear the heartbeat, what does that mean?”

My wife, unable to comprehend the situation, flashed me an awkward smile before turning back to the doctor.

“I had no symptoms before coming in for the test, doctor. My stomach didn’t hurt, there was no bleeding, and I avoided everything I was told not to eat, just in case it might be bad. You told me to be careful because it could strain my body, so for the past two weeks, I only walked around within the community, didn’t do any other exercise, and even took time off work.”

“……”

“I really just rested quietly at home.”

My wife looked at me as if seeking agreement, but she was no longer the Kang Moon-jung I had known.

She was just a weak woman, no different from any other mother who had lost a precious life in her womb.

And I, watching this woman by her side, was nothing but a powerless man.

“Does ‘can’t hear the heartbeat’ mean the pulse is weak?” I asked the doctor, grasping at straws.

The doctor, lips tightly sealed, turned his gaze to the ultrasound monitor and remained silent for a long while before finally speaking.

“How about we try another test in 2 or 3 days?”

So, I asked realistically.

“Is it possible for the baby’s heartbeat, which we can’t hear now, to be heard again in 2 or 3 days?”

It seemed like I wanted confirmation.

I could understand the doctor’s feelings, but I didn’t have the heart to put my wife through another 2 or 3 days of anxiety and worry.

I wanted to know for sure whether these 2 or 3 days were meant to be a time for us to prepare mentally, or if we were supposed to wait until then to perform a surgery that could be done now.

“With a high probability, no.”

My wife closed her eyes over her clasped hands on her knees as if in prayer, and I, unable to even embrace her shoulders, was using all my energy worrying about the shock she must be enduring.

With a dry expression, she opened her eyes and asked the doctor.

“Does that mean his heart isn’t beating even now?”

As soon as we left the examination room, my wife overlapped her hands with mine.

Then, with a forced smile, she said to me,

“Let’s just try one more hospital.”

It sounded like she didn’t want to accept it yet.

“Just.”

Today, of all days, I hated the courage this foolish person was mustering.

I would have preferred it if she had openly shown how hard it was, even a fit of anger would have been better, directed at me or not, just to vent her stifling feelings, but she couldn’t, and her helpless appearance made me feel terrible.

“It seems too easy to give up if we just listen to what’s said here and accept it right away. If you’re busy with work, I can go alone. Yeah, let’s just do that. I’ll call Chief Roh and go by myself, so you just go to work. That would be better.”

“You’re talking nonsense. Is this someone else’s problem? It’s mine. It’s ours. And at times like this, I should be by your side, not leaving you with someone else.”

“……”

“You know I’ve never done that before. Just wait a moment.”

“Why? Where are you going?”

“I’ll call Chief Roh. There’s no need for him to come here.”

I wasn’t sure if it was right to show a smile in this situation.

Of course, I was hurting too.

It felt like there was a hole in my heart.

But this wasn’t something that could be fixed by human effort, and to frown seriously now would only add fuel to the self-blame she was already inflicting on herself alone, so I had to force a faint smile and say it was okay.

It’s okay, it’s nobody’s fault.

It’s sad, but let’s not blame ourselves for this outcome.

“Just sit for a moment. Want some water? Shall I get you some?”

At my words, my wife shook her head, indicating she was fine.

I moved meaninglessly towards the elevator corridor to talk to Chief Roh, away from my wife.

That’s when it seemed to start.

Like being drunk, the scene before my eyes was cutting out. Chop. Chop.

Like a film breaking, I wondered how I got here, when just a moment ago I was walking over there, and suddenly I was in front of the elevator.

Sometimes, this happens when I’m showering.

On days when there’s a lot to think about.

Under the hot stream of the shower, I habitually wash myself, and then I wonder, “Did I just wash my hair?” I can’t remember what I did just a few minutes ago.

That’s exactly how I felt now.

Before I knew it, my phone screen was already connecting to Director Roh’s number.

“Yes, Executive Director. I’ve answered your call.”

“Ah, Kyu-hyung. It’s me.”

Director Roh had not said anything else to me after picking up the call, but strangely, I felt as if he was asking about the test results.

“Where are you now?”

“I’m currently on standby at the distribution headquarters.”

“Is that so? Well… Kyu-hyung.”

Suddenly, my mind was becoming cluttered.

Hesitating in my speech, perhaps Director Roh had caught on to something, as there was silence on the other end of the line, as if waiting for me to speak first.

“I’m really sorry, but I have just one favor to ask.”

From noble mtl dot nete

“Of course. Please, feel free to ask.”

“I’ll call our mother right away and tell her, but could you go down to Daejeon for a bit?”

“Daejeon?”

“Yes. Go down and pick up some galbi-jjim to bring home. Don’t say anything to mom. She doesn’t know anything yet. I haven’t told her anything. Not even about the pregnancy. And…”

Then Director Roh cautiously asked.

“Executive Director, are you alright?”

Being asked if I was okay made me realize that I was not in an okay state.

“Well, I mean…”

Trying to say I was fine didn’t come out as easily as I thought.

“I think… I’m okay, but it seems our President Kang is having a tough time. Haha… It’ll be okay. I think it’ll be fine.”

“…Yes.”

“He’ll definitely refuse to eat anything, but if it’s our mother’s galbi-jjim, who knows? Maybe he’ll even have a spoonful of rice. Wow… I thought today wouldn’t be solved even with sushi, that’s why.”

“I’ll go down right away.”

“Thank you. I’ll be asking you for a favor.”

And then I called mom.

At the sound of her voice after two rings, I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion.

Just two weeks.

It had only been two weeks since I found out about its existence.

I hadn’t even chosen a prenatal name, nor seen the face.

Not knowing if it was a daughter or a son, there wasn’t even time to grow attached, but the moment I heard my mother’s voice over the phone, a strange mix of emotions suddenly intertwined, and I felt a surge of emotion.

Yet, reining in those feelings wasn’t hard for me, someone who lies to his mother as easily as breathing.

“Mom, are you busy?”

― No, I’m just watching TV. What’s up? Why is my son calling me at this hour?

“Mom, I’m in big trouble.”

― Big trouble? What kind of trouble?

“I’ve been craving your braised ribs since last night.”

― What?

“I’ve never felt this way before, ever. Since last night, I’ve been longing for the braised ribs and green onion kimchi you make.”

― Go buy some. There must be places in Seoul that make it even better than I do.

“No, it’s not the same. I need to have the braised ribs and green onion kimchi made by you.”

― Even when I offer to make it, you usually refuse.

“Mom, I’m sending Manager Roh over, can you prepare the braised ribs and green onion kimchi?”

― You’re sending Manager Roh all this way just because you want to eat that? Oh, Taesik, don’t do that. It’s not right. Even if he’s your subordinate at the company, you shouldn’t send someone on such a long trip for that.

If only you could let it slide just for today…

“Manager Roh has already left. Work’s light at the office today. That’s why. You remember when you came over and my wife sang praises of your braised ribs. If you could just make a little and send it with Manager Roh, we could all enjoy it together, so please, do me this favor. Manager Roh loves your cooking too. Just like last time, you can prepare a separate portion for him.”

* * *

What could all this mean?

Unable to trust the results from Daeyoung Hospital, the country’s top medical facility, she was heading to a private gynecologist for another test…

Perhaps for my wife, it wasn’t about confirmation, but rather the need for self-consolation that she hadn’t given up too easily?

“That’s right. The gestational sac is formed like this, but it hasn’t taken its place.”

We received a more objective test result than from Daeyoung Hospital.

It wasn’t that we couldn’t hear the heartbeat; there was simply no content inside the gestational sac to begin with.

“I see.”

With a deep breath that raised and lowered her shoulders significantly, my wife seemed to take about 20 minutes.

To release that small life that hadn’t managed to find its proper place in her body and whose heart had stopped, from the operating table.

Soon, a nurse approached me to say the surgery was over, and I could go inside.

Looking down at my wife, still unconscious from the anesthesia, a thought crossed my mind.

Rather than yesterday, more than the past two weeks, I find her current sleeping form to be more serene.

For the past two weeks, how much she must have worried, how anxious and restless she must have felt, it all seemed to show on my wife’s now-relaxed face.

She woke up shortly after.

It hadn’t even been an hour since she went in for surgery until she came out of anesthesia.

“Are you sure you don’t need to go to the office?”

My wife asked in the car on the way home.

Rather than enduring the silence or forcing conversation, I thought it’d be better to listen to music. So, I deliberately played the second album of her favorite female singer, which she likes, on autoplay.

“Take a break, what about it.”

“Tomorrow’s Saturday.”

“That’s good. Three days off in a row, what about it.”

“Just drop me off at home, and you go to work.”

“I just want to skip work today and be with you. I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“I’m fine, though?”

“Then, with that fine mood, give a call to your father-in-law.”

While continuing to hold the steering wheel with one hand, I took my wife’s unresponsive hand with the other.

“He must be waiting for your call.”

* * *

In the study room of Pyeongchang-dong.

A call from his son, Chairman Kang Man-ho, came to the phone of Chairman Kang Ki-young.

As if he had been waiting for a call concerning a multi-billion won business deal, Chairman Kang Ki-young felt his mouth go dry when his son’s name appeared on the phone at this hour.

In one hand of Chairman Kang Ki-young, who was answering his son’s call, were still two walnuts.

― I just spoke with Moon-jeong, Father.

“Is everything okay at the hospital?”

― We’re on our way home after the surgery.

Crack!

Such was the strength he exerted that the walnut in the hand of the nonagenarian Chairman Kang Ki-young, which was being turned over, cracked with a snapping sound.

“Did it fall?”

― …Yes.

Both hands of Chairman Kang Ki-young, one holding the cracked walnut and the other holding the phone to his ear, began to tremble violently.

“Alright, I understand.”

― First, I told him to go home with Mr. Yoon and not to dwell on negative thoughts over the weekend, but to take care of himself.

“Well done. Does the in-law family know?”

― I’m not sure about that.

“I’ll call Soon-im, so just be aware of that.”

― To Sister? Why her?

“It’s not right for Young-jin to ask his mother to check in. It’s uncomfortable for both. And it’s not like we can ask the thoughtless Jung-im to do it. Someone has to be the adult and check in.”