She Returned as a Vampire - She Returned as a Vampire chapter 44

44 – In a hell of your own making

“Who am I?”

I know very well that I am doing something wrong.

I didn’t have the courage to say that this wasn’t wrong in the first place.

“Seriously, don’t ask again and again. Is it not enough after hearing so much?”

But wouldn’t anyone do this?

Even if I approach him again with the straight forward method, will I be able to truly receive forgiveness and live happily with him as if nothing had happened?

If anyone knows how to do that, please let me know.

…Now they say it appears before my eyes like magic, but it’s too late.

“My very own pretty vampire girl whom I love the most in the world.”

To those happy days once again,

It feels like time has gone back to before I was intoxicated with his favor and just took it for granted –

I am overjoyed that I can erase the mistake I made…

Continue to cheat,

Deceive,

Cover your eyes,

Don’t drag him into your arms and throw him away.

“Why do you – ugh, you seem impatient? Elena. Did something happen? Did you have a nightmare?”

I don’t want to let go, so I hugged him even more, so what should I do with him who looks at me with a worried gaze while holding his hand.

I am so happy that my head hurts just by holding me like this for days and days, but why did I do such a thing casually-

It was as if I was wandering around believing that the meaning of life was somewhere else.

Overturning mountains and fields, beaches and cliffs,

Engraving life-and-death fights and indelible scars on your body,

Why did I think I could find something in it?

If there’s one thing I’ve found with those things, it’s that he, to me, only a man named Niel Pietro can give me anything I want.

How did he realize after losing his mind that wealth, fame, and power are all meaningless in the end?

Why did I have no choice but to find the answer to my life while scarring him?

While he props me up, supports me, and covers the wounds from the storms of the world,

Why did I find it… Bothersome?

Why didn’t you acknowledge his kindness and just scold him?

“No, Niel. Nothing…”

I almost lost him,

That I was being too hard on myself, and that I did something that would casually destroy the trust between us without batting an eye…

I can’t say that.

Never.

How did you cover, hide, and fill the wounds in your heart?

I can’t leave those scars again.

“Is there something… Something you can’t tell? You look very distressed.”

“It’s okay, Niel. It’s nothing. It’s just… I’m realizing how much of a woman I’m lacking-“

“Why do you say that? Elena. Look here. Don’t make that face. Look at me. Huh?”

Ah,

Ah.

Again, I was embraced again.

In such a hot and cozy embrace, my body touched it once again.

So close to him. How could I have lived without knowing that the fact that he directly gave permission was so precious?

Why did I forget that the fact that I allowed my body and mind was something I could do because I loved it?

Even though it’s a sweet feeling that makes me dizzy no matter how many times I meet it, why do I…

“I’m on your side no matter what. Even if the world calls you a monster,

Even if you can’t live without sucking my blood…

You’re the woman I love, it’s okay.”

However, having let go of this emotion, what prevents him from being languidly drunk is his unleashed eyes…

Because I can see my magic wriggling in it so blatantly.

…The reason he can love me like this is because he covered up all the shameful things I did.

I made a daily life that could collapse at any time and be broken at any time, what on earth did I expect and commit such a thing?

If you try to cover a sin, in the end you cover it again with another sin, cover it again, and again…

My heart seems to be breaking down.

From noble mtl dot com

If I don’t forget the weight of my sins, I won’t be able to face him.

But remembering that is like cutting out your own heart.

If I keep doing this, I think I’m going to go crazy.

I want him to love me, but

Because I know how much what I’ve done has hurt me.

Even though it wasn’t what I intended, I know better than anyone else that the result has turned out like this.

He gave up so many things for me… Now he knows.

Carefully, don’t lose me.

I don’t think I have the strength left to reflect or regret.

I want to lean on the sweetness of him who keeps kissing me and trying to soothe me… Just a little bit… A little bit.

If you lean a little now,

I’ll probably have enough energy left to regret it tomorrow.

***

When I open my eyes, he is there.

In tears,

I saw him crying that he didn’t want something like this –

Overlap with the reality of smiling and stroking my face.

Which is true, which is false?

I was trapped in the world I created, unable to even find the exit, and pathetically wandering around…

However,

In a place that seemed so comfortable, no matter how falsely received,

At the very least, I keep getting hesitant about his honest and sincere love, which is so different from me.

Obviously what he wanted wasn’t me like this.

It must have been an honest admission of my mistakes and self-reflection.

Looking at him as he closes his eyes slowly, caressing my cheek even at the very moment the soma pours out,

That’s why I’m more and more giving up the human heart, the image he wants.

If you don’t, you won’t be able to grasp the sweetness in front of your eyes.

If you don’t do this, you will only get further away from him.

Even though I keep repeating myself and reassuring myself… My heart continues to waver.

It’s been a long time since I missed the moment to give up.

From the moment I felt my magic flowing through his body, I should have stopped and warned him how dangerous I was.

But when I blew my wind into his ear.

Cuddle him again and again in his dreams, whisper that you love him,

I know deep in my bones that it is already too late since you constantly asked me to love only me.

…Yes, I already knew it would turn out like this,

Why do I keep trying to run away?

Until now, I’ve never taken any responsibility for the things I did because I wanted to.

So,

Everyone, he carries it instead… It hurts instead.

Apologize instead, sigh instead.

I have you for my own sake,

From the moment you embraced me, for me…

How are we supposed to unravel our twisted destinies at the very different starting points?

I wonder if it was the right choice for me to do this because I was trying to force myself to unravel the tangled thread and couldn’t bear to see you suffering from the reaction.

And I wonder if I am ready to take responsibility for this…

Should I rather run away?

Just into the time with you, putting all these worries and troubles aside,

Is it really right to run away into your kind and gentle arms and live without any worries?

But even after I asked you this, you still fell asleep in my arms with no answer.

…I’m really glad I was able to keep what I promised.

And if I could live my life forgetting everything like this, I would be able to keep the promises I made to you even more.

But I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that what I want to do won’t go the way I want it to.

I feel once again how great of a person you were when you were confident in every action you took.

Having strong faith and will in one thing that you love me, taking care of the dirty work for me,

It may have been dangerous to you,

Your heart that wanted to keep me by your side, even if it was unreasonable to follow the things that put me in danger.

Now I know. I can understand.

That’s why you have to work hard to match the amount of love. Clearly.

As much as I love you, if I don’t match that love.

So, the regret and reflection you wished for… Into this heart.

Like the anguish, the pain, and the hesitation you didn’t show me,

I will do the same.

Niel,

With you by my side, I won’t leave you alone for a second.

No matter what happens, I will be by your side.

We will literally be together.

I will no longer have you whipping yourself into my frivolous adventures,

We won’t fight because we have different opinions.

As you like, if that doesn’t mean we part ways, Niel.

In order to love you, I will show you more than what you were prepared for.

I will try to overcome more than the pain you swallowed.

And now, if anything gets in the way of our time,

I won’t forgive you no matter what it is.

Right now… We don’t know who’s knocking on our door.

It’s okay. You will go to sleep without hearing anything.

Even if the one who interrupted our moment screamed…