The Sage that the Sword Saint is Obsessed With - The Sage that the Sword Saint is Obsessed With chapter 23

23 – 7. Apology

1.

Evan dragged Leven to a barn in a corner of the village.

It seemed to be the quietest place to have a conversation.

Although he could have taken Leven to his room at the inn, he chose this place out of fear that if he took Leven into the inn, the villagers would create their own fantasies, causing a commotion.

Recently, there had been an increasing number of people discreetly casting glances between the two.

Given that Llewelyn visited the inn without fail every day, such a phenomenon was quite understandable.

They were all strangers, oblivious to the story unfolding.

It wasn’t their fault to fantasize and be delusional.

However, being scrutinized by those glances was nothing short of discomforting.

This barn served as a storage space.

Various supplies were stacked in boxes.

Leaning against a large box, Evan gazed at Llewelyn.

“Oops…!”

Meeting eyes, Llewelyn lowered hers as if encountering a ruffian.

Having sobbed, her face was a mess.

Swollen, reddened eyelids clung to dried tear streaks, and unattended mucus clung to her nose.

Llewelyn’s current appearance was drastically different from what Evan knew.

It wasn’t about an external façade; it was a narrative of the inner self.

Llewelyn was an enigmatic person, her thoughts indecipherable.

The reason was known.

Her expression of emotions was awkward.

Evan had experienced it several times when they were together.

Whether joy or sorrow, she maintained an expressionless demeanor.

There were moments of frustration, but conveying a subtle sense of gratitude occasionally brought a sense of elation.

Yet, witnessing her shedding tears like a waterfall, adopting a submissive posture like a puppy, inspecting her own belly—such actions were quite shocking. She seemed unlikely to perform such behaviors.

Well, personalities could change over eight years spent together.

Evan had changed too.

He used to be affectionate, enjoying the company of many.

Now, he had become completely introverted.

So, while surprising, it wasn’t particularly astounding that Llewelyn had become an emotional person. It was remarkable that in the grimness of the battlefield, she transformed into an emotional individual.

Anyway, such details weren’t of much importance.

“Sure.”

Evan spoke rationally, suppressing his emotions.

“What do you want to say?”

Leuen, who had been organizing his thoughts in his mind, first brought up an apology. Despite being advised not to, apologies seemed insufficient no matter how many times he uttered them.

“Well, first of all, I’m sorry.”

Leuen politely bowed his head in apology.

“…”

Evan, about to ask if he couldn’t remember what he said earlier, stopped himself. He decided to observe quietly whatever Leuen was going to say.

Maintaining silence, he chose to hear whatever it was after the curses or whatever Leuen wanted to express.

“It might be uncomfortable, but… the story I’m about to tell from now on is… about when I, no, when I suggested ending our romantic relationship.”

Evan frowned.

Distinct vertical lines formed on his forehead.

Time erodes memories.

Slowly but surely.

As the pieces diminish, their presence becomes hazy.

Depending on the type of memory, the rate of erosion varies, but all memories cannot retain their original form.

Evan, too, experienced this while spending time in the Tower of the Sage.

Busy learning magic and conducting magical research every day, his past had blurred. He hadn’t forgotten. The frequency of what used to come to mind whenever he closed his eyes had simply decreased, turning into sporadic memories.

Persistently trying to break free from the chains of the past that sought to restrain him, he believed he could take a step forward.

It all fell apart when he came to the Southern Front.

More precisely, it happened when he reunited with this woman.

The memory, which had diminished and shrunk like a sand grain, began to expand in one corner of his chest.

And at the moment he heard the words “when I suggested ending our romantic relationship,” the memory returned to its original form.

For a moment, anger almost erupted from within.

Evan closed his eyes and forcibly swallowed his anger.

He nodded.

“…Go on.”

After all, this was the occasion to hear this story.

“Do you remember receiving a letter from the Adventurer Union back then?”

Evan nodded.

He remembered.

He had considered that letter the main cause.

Because right after receiving the letter, he heard the words suggesting a parting the next day.

“Let me start with that letter.”

Leuen began to tell the old story carefully.

2.

“…Y-yes, that’s, that’s the story from back then.”

Leuen finished speaking.

He glanced nervously.

Evan’s expression was still, eyes closed.

It’s unclear what he’s thinking.

Judging by the expression, it’s certainly not a positive emotion.

Evan’s suspicion was correct.

All the joyful times they spent together were not lies.

Leuen had chosen to return to his homeland to take care of his siblings in place of the parents who had left the world, guarding the ruined homeland attacked by monsters.

Leuen explained that he didn’t want to interfere with Evan’s dream of studying recovery magic in the demon tower and chose a way to completely cut off the relationship.

In conclusion, at that time, Leuen liked Evan.

“I know…! How foolish I was…!”

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Whatever he says will sound like an excuse.

Perhaps even the words just spoken might be considered excuses.

Still, Leuen awkwardly conveyed his feelings.

“I was selfish… and… ignorant. I regretted it many times. There must have been another way back then… I could have said different words… Blaming my own stupidity… cursing myself…”

With closed eyes, Evan listened to Leuen’s choked-up voice.

“Now… huff… I’m not asking for forgiveness now.”

“Then?”

“I just… I just wanted to say it. It’s all my… my fault… Evan’s voice was nice. The gentle touch was nice. The kind personality was nice. Making flower rings was nice. Trying hard with magic, whether successful or not, was nice… And, above all, the strength to protect me more than oneself was nice.”

Leuen poured out his words.

Whether it was an emotional outburst or not, his hands trembled sweetly.

“I liked everything, everything… But I ended up insulting and hurting Evan, all of it.”

Leuen knelt in place.

Thud, thud.

Hot emotions dripped down his thighs.

“You can curse me. Spit on my face. Hit me with your fist… or kick me… I’ll gladly accept any severe injury with joy. Because no pain I endure will be more agonizing than the pain I inflicted on Evan!”

Leuen had asked his disciple to investigate Evan’s actions when they reunited, claiming to be a disciple of a sage.

And he heard it a few days ago.

He had lived in seclusion in the Tower of the Sage for three years, and before that, he had lived the life of an adventurer for five years. During that time, he lived a chaotic life, known as a ‘tyrant.’

Alcohol and violence.

That was all that made up the tyrant.

Five years, or rather, eight years.

Compensating for that time in this single moment was impossible by any means.

“Well, well… sob… So, um….”

Leuen bowed down, clutching his head.

“I’ll spend my whole life apologizing… Hic… I’ll live like Evan’s slave. Please allow me… Hngh… Please allow me.”

Evan slowly opened his eyes.

He looked down at Leuen.

Leuen, still sobbing and trembling, was clutching his head.

“Haah….”

Evan took a deep breath.

“…We could have had a conversation, couldn’t we?”

Leuen bit his lower lip.

“I wasn’t just a stranger, and we were boyfriends. If you have concerns, shouldn’t you rely on and share them with your lover? Wasn’t that what lovers do? I wasn’t perfect either.”

“No! That’s absolutely not true!”

“Well, as I mentioned earlier, you must have had your reasons too. Still, you should have asked me what I wanted if you were doing it for me. Isn’t my opinion the most important thing if you’re doing it for me?”

Leuen, who had only thought of himself, was contradictory in claiming that his selfish choice was for Evan. Whether there was intent or not.

Perhaps he just couldn’t think in a straightforward manner.

He might have been able to consider something else upon hearing about his parents’ funeral.

Even for someone with a personality that suppresses emotions, he didn’t know that he was suppressing even those emotions on that day.

“I didn’t ask for forgiveness, did I?”

“……Yes.”

“I know it well. I have no intention of forgiving you.”

I knew.

I knew, but…

It was agonizing as the sharp spear pierced through my chest.

“Do you know how I lived because of what you said?”

Blood flowed from Llewelyn’s lower lip.

“I lived like garbage for five years. There were times when I ran headlong into dangerous situations, ready to die just to appear strong because you said I was weak. There were also many times when I almost died, drowning my attempt to forget your words in alcohol. It’s a miracle that I can say this now, considering how miserably I lived.”

The wounds of betrayal from someone you love run deep.

It felt like being stabbed in the back by someone you trust.

The aftermath was too much to bear.

“And now, how am I supposed to forgive you?”

My stomach churned.

Evan let out a bitter, hollow laugh.

Hopeless, empty, and futile.

Knowing the truth only made the feeling of misery intensify.

…What had I been living for these past five years?

I had lived on nothing but anger.

But now that I knew the truth, all that anger seemed futile.

Just assuming that there could have been a conversation made Evan’s five years of anger feel like foam on the surface.

I couldn’t go back to the past, but the realization that there could have been different possibilities in the past made my stomach churn.

So, forgiveness became even more impossible.

Once I felt the emptiness, no emotion remained for Llewelyn.

Whether I forgave or not, what meaning did it hold?

Knowing the truth didn’t make me feel love for her again. The emotions for love had long dried up.

This feeling burned away.

That feeling burned away too.

Everything turned into ashes.

I didn’t seek compensation for the wasted years. I knew it was something that couldn’t be compensated for with anything.

“Whether you live apologizing or just live, figure it out on your own.”

“……”

“I’m leaving this place in six months anyway. By then, I’ll truly live forgetting about you.”

Until now, I couldn’t forget, but now, I think I can.

Just because water spilled from a cup doesn’t mean you can keep staring at the spilled water forever. You have to think about filling the cup with new water.

“The face, the name… all the moments we shared.”

Everything.

“But before that, I have to say this.”

Leuen slowly raised her head to look at Evan.

“You’re truly a selfish woman.”

If she’d ended it with her own selfishness, she should have put on a poker face and acted accordingly. That would have been less uncomfortable.

Apologizing unnecessarily only made it more uncomfortable.

Evan brushed past Leuen.

“Oh, right.”

Before leaving the barn, Evan glanced back.

“I’m late with my farewell. Take care for the next six months, just for six months.”

Evan left the scene of forced melodrama.

Meanwhile, Leuen, who remained in place, cried silently.

Even she didn’t understand why she was crying.

For some reason, it was sad.

More precisely, it wasn’t just one reason but many, making it impossible to pinpoint the cause of the sadness.

This was self-inflicted.

Worse than being an underling tied to the leash of self-forgiveness.

Cry.

Cry more.

You’ll cry with the same emotions in the future, so let it out as much as possible now.

Even if it’s just a cup of water on the sea’s surface.